There is no point to anything. Why bother? I don’t understand. Why should I live? what’s the point?
I am ugly. Not just on the outside, I have an ugly personality. I hate myself for it. I can’t do anything right. I can’t do this shit anymore. I am not good enough.
I tried to purge while at the rink today. I never thought I could be there and feel so low. I never thought I’d ever be doing that there. I just didn’t know what else to do.
Do you ever want to start screaming at people for help and then you realize you have nobody to talk to about your pathetic problems and there’s nothing that anyone could do any way?
I got a call from the uni I ‘want’ to go to . I didn’t even answer it I just stared at the phone until it stopped ringing. I’ve been ignoring that I have to actually go visit this uni on Saturday, I’ve been pushing it to the back of my mind. I don’t know why I can’t be excited like everyone else. I’m amazing at hiding things, I’ve hid so many things for 5 years but the idea of answering the phone and actually going there, to somewhere everyone expects me to be excited for when in reality I’ll hopefully be dead…it makes me feel sick. I don’t think I can go there and put on an act for everyone, it’s a waste of time. I don’t think I can do it.
I think it’s because it makes me really think about the future. Going would probably be the best opportunity for me, it would make people happy. But I don’t think it’s what I want to do. Then I think, what do I actually want to do with my life? Nothing. I don’t want uni, jobs, or money, I don’t want to meet people, I don’t want an amazing career, I don’t want a family, I don’t want to get married. I don’t want life. I don’t want to get that far, I don’t want to get to Saturday, if I’m honest I don’t want to live to see tomorrow. I’m just done.
For those of you out there who like to threaten me, I’m NOT going to kill myself tonight so don’t have a fit.
I understand why most people ignore me. I’m shy to the point where it is painful to be in the same room as me. I wouldn’t want to be around me either.
Is there a way to stop this because it has literally ruined my life?
2 in the morning is probably a bit late to start cutting, I got up at five so I’ll probably end up falling asleep o the bathroom floor.
Not a good idea but I’ll probably do it anyway.
If I had something sharp enough to kill myself with right now I probably would.
But I don’t.
I’ll break 2 weeks clean instead and spend the rest of the night curled up in bed sobbing.