I really don’t think I’ll ever get past this. I can’t imagine life without self harm. I don’t understand how people do this…life thing.

I’ve been awake for too long because I was too depressed to sleep last night. My mind would not shut up. I was up at five to skate, I am making no progress, I was so close to crying because I felt so bad. I can’t talk to people, how pathetic is that? I can’t even say hi to people, what the hell is wrong with me?

I’ve done no revision or coursework because I just can’t motivate myself. I spent half an hour staring at a wall in silence because I felt too depressed to do anything. I’ve spent the past few days trying not to start crying in front of someone. 

I want to switch my mind off. I wish I could block everything out and not have to think. I just want to kill myself and end all this, is that so bad?

For now I’ll just settle for cutting at 2 in the morning.

I’m going to stop cutting and I’m going to try and get better.

Sometimes I think there really is something wrong with me. When I hear people talk about their friends and their boyfriends/girlfriends I really think I’m fucked up. Is something wrong with me? I can’t make any kind of connection with anyone. Guys don’t notice me, I can’t make friends, I can’t talk to people I’ve known for years. There has to be something wrong. 

My mind goes completely blank in social situations. I don’t know what to say to people, I have nothing of interest to say. All I can think is ‘What is the point?’. Why talk to people? Nobody cares what you have to say.

I don’t know why I push people away. I just feel mentally dead. It’s like I’m not here, I’m just going through the motions. And that’s why killing myself wouldn’t be a bad thing, I’m not here, I haven’t been here for a long time. There isn’t anything left of me, just this ugly stupid thing. I’d just be killing my body, mentally I’m already dead.

I’ll hurt myself again today. I can’t get this to stop. And tomorrow I’ll get up and smile and do it all over again. I can pretend all I want that things will get better but they won’t, I can’t wait for the day this is all over because I honestly don’t know how much more of this I can take.

I hate this. I hate how nothing helps. I hate being so alone. I hate how all this is going to end. I am so sorry.

I hate how I can go from being so down and depressed and then be fine. I’ll start to think everything might be okay and feel positive about the future, then it’s suddenly gone and I feel worse then before.

I don’t want to do this anymore.

One in the morning. I have to be up in 5 hours. And I’m sat on the bathroom floor. Why do I do this to myself.

Read More

These thoughts won’t go away. I’m so scared. I hate feeling like this, I hate what my life has become.

I  wish that nobody would remember that I was even here in the first place.

It’s been a few weeks since I last cut, I don’t know what to do. I need it but it makes me sick at the same time.

This is not a world I want to be apart of. This is not a world I want to live in. I don’t belong here. 

I can’t do this anymore, I’m so tired of it all. It’s hard to think about living to the date I’ve set, it feels too long a wait and I know everything is just going to get worse until then. It’s going to be a struggle not  to just end it earlier. To think about actually living and not going through with it hurts me. I don’t want to carry on with all this. This is not the life I want. This world is horrible.  

I’m tired of feeling like this. I’m tired of being completely alone. I’m tired of having nobody to talk to. But it’s not like I could even if I had anyone, I’ve built up so many walls I don’t think I could ever let anyone in, I don’t know how to let people in, I don’t know how to talk to people.

Why should I bother? I’m useless, hopeless and nothing. I just want this to be over.

I never realize just how bad I feel until I’m sobbing in the shower, Pathetic. Selfish. Weak.

My Mom keeps reminding me that in 19 days I’ll be forced into a dress.

I swear, if my scars are visible, If anyone finds out, I’ll be dead in 19 days.

You know just how weak and pathetic you are when you spend Saturday night sat in the shower crying and cutting.

Weak.Pathetic. Loser.

I felt a little better today. Not really depressed, just not really feeling anything, but  better. Even when I’m okay, in the rare moments that I think things will work out, I know that it’s not enough to change anything and I’ll still kill myself.

I feel so disconnected. It’s like I’m not here. I sit in school like I’m invisible, I can;t talk to people and if I do It’s like I’m barely there.

I hate this feeling. Am I even still here? 

Can people even see me?

I feel like I’m already dead.